What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."
When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a campfire and shouted out "Hot Wheels!"
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!
There was a math teacher on a plane that crashed. What was the last thing that went through their head?
A pentagon