What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."
When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a campfire and shouted out "Hot Wheels!"
"That driving backwards, it creeping me out, you're gonna wreck or something." - Lightning McQueen.
Because that is what could have saved Titanic, and it wrecked.
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
It's way too soon for Kobe jokes.
They never land well.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"
How do you know when Helen Keller is home?
Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!