I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can also tell if they are standing.
Everyone is able to be stupid, but you're just abusing the privilege.
What is the difference between an orphan and a deaf kid?
They can't hear or speak to their parents that never came back.
What can’t a person with no arms do: if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special forces.
Why did Jesus die at the diving Olympics? Because he can't go through water.
I make weed disappear, what's your superpower?
Yo mama so stupid, she shoved a battery up her butt and said, "I GOT THE POWER!"
Chuck Norris once stabbed the Terminator with Bruce Lee.
What comedy skill can’t any cripple master?
Stand up.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter, it won’t come to you.
Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.
I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?
What does Batman have that Superman doesn't?
The ability to visit his biological parents' grave.
Armless guy: Even though I don’t have arms, I can do anything you normal people can do.
Me: 🎵If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! 🎶
They say we have a primal sense, that we can just feel when someone is watching us.
It’s been a few weeks, and it's clear that you do not have that sense.
You signed up for football, but you're no good.
One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!
