Ability jokes
Chuck Norris can make an omelet from Kinder surprise.
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.
At least Stephen Hawking does something.
KSI driving ability.
Why couldn't Bob hang himself?
Because he had no arms to tie a knot. :'-)
Chuck Norris once ran all the way around the equator and kicked himself in the back.
Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.
A man enters a bar with some friends, and they all sit down to a drink. After not too long, a man with glasses comes through the front door saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" When no one listens, he shrugs, and everyone watches him go up the stairs. Ten seconds later, he comes back in through the door, again saying, "Anyone who wants to fly off the third story balcony, come upstairs with me!" Everyone is amazed, and a few people leave to go fly with him. He keeps coming back into the bar, bringing more and more patrons to join him. The man at the bar is about to join in when the bartender finally sighs.
"For the last time, Superman, get out of my bar, you're drunk and the only person here that can fly!"
The man with glasses frowns.
"Where did all the others go, then?"
What’s the difference between someone who is high on the spectrum [and] low on the spectrum? At least I can write this joke.
I'm psychicking your butt.
Why are retards good at basketball?
'Cause they dribble all the time!
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Yes, because a house doesn’t jump.
Why was Stephen Hawking so good at FIFA? He had 99 dribble.
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman... no other reasons besides that.
If Stephen Hawking got into a fight, he could not stand up for himself.
If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?
What do you call a woman who says she can do anything a man can do?
Wrong.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course it can, a house can't jump.
A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.
Why?
The kid had no legs.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
'Cause she's a woman.
No, really. Why can't she drive?
Because she died.