Worst Jokes Ever
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
What is Michael Jackson's favorite drink? Tea-hee-hee!
Why are kids so skinny?
Parents eat all the food themselves, and let the kids starve.
"Ching Chong ling long suck my ding dong."
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
I found this game, it's like flappy bird: https://terrorist.group/
What's white with black spots? A cotton field from above.
I always ask gay people what LGBTQ means, but I never get a straight answer.
What do you call an 18 year old orphan?
Homeless.
My uncle can't walk straight. I think it's because he's gay.
9/11 is the biggest game of Jenga... ;)
What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?
Her miscarriage.
What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
what is it called when an illegal immigrant is getting raped?
alien vs predator
What is fully grown but can fit through small objects? Michael Jackson.
2,996 kill streak, boom!
I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.
Why didn't Michael Jackson date 25 year olds?
Because there were only 20 of them.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.