Worst Jokes Ever
If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?
What does a pumpkin need when it's hurt? A pumpkin patch.
I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?
What goes up but never comes down?
What is always in front of you but can’t be seen?
I was at the bank yesterday.
A lady asked to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I’m tall when I’m young, and I’m short when I’m old. What am I?
What's your mom on?
Deez nuts!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Nuts!
Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.
Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.
What do you call angry midgets?
Short-tempered.
What do you call an orphan?
Homeless.
The wheelchair kid laughed at my test score, so I told him to stand up to the anthem.
I got fired from the bowling ball factory for throwing out the ones that had holes in them.
My brother goes into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me 12 beers and a shot of whiskey." The bartender says, "That's a lot of alcohol." My brother says, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender said, "Let me buy you a drink." My brother said, "No, this should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth."
Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.
I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.
Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.
A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."
The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"
The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.