Yours jokes

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

You're so ugly!

I’ll pat your breasts, pat your breasts, cos I’m a baker’s man, and you better bring me an orgasm as fast as you can. I’ll pat you, and prick you, and mark you with my "D", And then throw you in the fire cos you’re now worthless to me!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby who?

Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?

It’s just a rental.

I love your hair today.

How did you get it to come out your nose like that?

Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

White people: *come to America, meet natives and take food, kill them, rape them, and enslave them.*

Natives: Can y-

White people: Hey, you remember all that horrible sh*t we did to you? Let's have a good laugh about it over dinner with your buddies and my new wives.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.

LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)

You're so small that when you go to the doctor, he doesn’t know you're there.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

I once saw an orphan... I decided to ask them a simple question... "Hey! Where is your family?"

They didn't reply.

I kept asking them. They started crying. I started laughing. They ran away...

When you're at school and you have to wipe your ass, but it's only one ply...

Your finger breaks through... mmm, finger lickin' good.

Q: What do a blond girl and a tornado have in common? A: There's a lot of blowing and sucking, then you lose your house.

Your mama so fat, when she put a leg in the car, the wheels deflated.

Doctor: “I have good and bad news.”

Patient: “Give me the good news first.”

Doctor: “Your test results are back and you have only two days to live.”

Patient: “That’s the good news? What’s the bad news?”

Doctor: “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”

What did the plane say to the tower? "Yo, can I crash at your place for a bit, and can my boy crash at your boy's place?"