You're jokes

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

So you decide one day to ask your son if he wants to f**k, do you do it for 3 hours, then you realize how will I explain another pregnancy to my sterile husband?

What do you call it when you're dead because of that one drink in Panera Bread? Panera dead.

You're so ugly, Hello Kitty said goodbye.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Your forehead is so big, Mr. Clean thought he would hire you!

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

Spy: Hahaha.

Me: What?

Spy: Time to pick up your mother.

Me: Oh no....

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

Son, why do I not have an Easter basket?

Mom, you're 23, you don't need one. Ends calls, child support.

Your hairline sucks; even Harry Potter could not put it under a spell to turn it back to order.

Sometimes, you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.

Why are tomatoes green? Because they rot, like your mum.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

U mess with goose, he strain out all of your body juice.

U mess with goose, he hang u with noose.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. Okay, I can't do this anymore.