You're jokes

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Roses are red, your cities are gone, I am Thomas the thermonuclear bomb.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.

You should know how important it is to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

"What's your name, son?" the principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."