You're jokes

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

Teacher: I was an orphan once.

Student: Oof.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Teacher: If you keep talking over me, I'll call your parents!

Orphan: You will?

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

What do you say when you see your TV floating away at night?

"Drop it, Jamal!"

When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”

Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?

Son: Sure thing, dad!

Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!

Son: I don't get the joke, dad.

Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.

Dad: School is canceled, I think your teacher died or something.

Me: Wow, they found the body already?

Dad: :/

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."