You're jokes

How can you tell your best friend is gay?

His meat tastes like shit.

Your mama is so nasty.

She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It's always 90 degrees there.

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.

Your hairline goes so far back that it was getting whipped in the 1800s.

What’s worse than spiders on your piano?

Craps on your organ.

What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?

They both come while you’re asleep.

Your hairline is so big, I couldn't find the area of it on Jupiter.

Your hairline is so ugly, it’s receding from your face to never see you.

You're so bald that Disney uses your head for movie scripts.