You're jokes
What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?
It's none of your business!
This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”
The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.
Doctor: I see your point!
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
Kill the commies
Your head looks like a joke.
What did the pencil say to the other pencil?
Your looking sharp!
What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!
Teacher: What’s 2+2?
Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh
Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.
Stormtrooper: What happened with your garden?
Palpatine: Grew it.
Your dad must be a mailman.
He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.
She: Why?
He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)
"I hear you asking, 'What's your favorite instrument?' The Trombone."
A dog talks to another dog and says,
"Wow, you're a hot dog!"
Your hair and your hairline must be best friends, 'cause they go waaaaay back!
If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.