You're jokes

Life is like a box of chocolates. It gets finished pretty quickly if you're a fat guy.

Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"

Friend B: "I was until last night."

Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"

Friend B: "Your sister."

Friend A: "I don't have a sister."

Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."

If you take your dog for a walk and you BOTH use the fire hydrant down at the corner...you might be a Redneck!

Bf: Babe, do you love me?

Gf: Of course, why do you ask?

Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

What are you willing to write in your notebook? These nuts.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Hey, Kenya, what is your favorite song?

"Lonely."

Don't ever say your life is a joke because jokes are actually funny.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

Teacher: What’s 2+2?

Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh

Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.

Chuck: Do you have holes in your underpants?

Teacher: No, of course not.

Chuck: Then how do you get your feet through?

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a needle.

Doctor: I see your point!

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “I think I’m a wigwam, no, I think I’m a teepee, no, I must be a wigwam, no, a teepee.”

The doctor tells him, “I think I understand your problem. You’re two tents.”

Stormtrooper: What happened with your garden?

Palpatine: Grew it.

What's the funniest thing about being ringside at a UFC fight?

When you look around and all of the spectators are wearing white gowns and fuzzy socks, and you realize you aren't at a UFC event, you're watching your fellow patients fight to the death at a psychiatric facility.

What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?

It's none of your business!

What did the stepdad say to the flower? You're grounded!

The QUEEN is JACK! KING off the JOKER!

I know what you're thinking, pervert. Actually, the joke's about a jester in drag. OK, I’m joking, the Queen cheated on the King with the Jester.

What did the pencil say to the other pencil?

Your looking sharp!