You're jokes

Trying to make jokes in 2020-2021 be like:

Comedian: "When she went in front of the TV, it took an hour till you could see the screen again."

Audience: "Why you gotta be so offensive?"

Comedian: "I'm not tr-"

Audience: "Oh, so now you're trying to debate?"

Comedian: "I-"

Audience: "Now you're acting racist?!"

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”

Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

Q: What do women and KFC have in common?

A: Once you eat the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your surgery will cost a lot of money.

Buuuuut what's this behind your ear?

Oh, it's still cancer.

When did I realize COVID was serious?

When I saw your teeth social distancing.

Little Johnny was in class, and his teacher asked, "How many of you guys are Trump fans?" Since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands, well, except Little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "Why are you being different again, Johnny?" So Little Johnny says, "Well, because I'm a Democrat. My mom is a Democrat, and my dad is a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat!" So then the teacher responds with, "Well, what if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Well, Little Johnny says, "A Trump fan!"

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"

After getting in the White House, D. Trump gets a letter...

...from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter.

One of the agents suggests Trump ask for MI6's help, so he does and few minutes after a British agent sends a fax to his secretary:

"Tell your president he was holding the letter upside down."

Your momma is so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse?

When your grandma says she's rusty but still manages to teach you.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

Mom: Daddy, stop!

Me: No!

Mom: Ok, I just wanted you to do it like your father.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like your's belongs in a zoo. Don't worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you.

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."

I know it's really, really, really, really bad.

What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.