You're jokes

What is the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Your mum sunk in the pool because she had a big butt.

A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.

The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."

How do you get a white girl to suck your dick?

Put ranch dressing on it.

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick into someone's asshole.

Why would you shoot up an innocent school... if your aimbot's dead and you can't commit headshots only?

Tell an orphan: if you got no parents, clap your hands.

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.

Orphan: Can I come over?

Girl: Yeah, but you have to bring your parents.

Roses are red, violets are blue, that joke is old, just like you.

Your mum is so fat, all her relationships are long distance.

Your hairline is so bad that KSI's hairline actually looks normal.

You're so fat you're the reason they made tread "meals".

You're so ugly we can't have neighbors.

Alya, I need to talk to you now. If you don't reply, I will kermit the not living, and if you don't think I will, I will post your OnlyFans photos I get every month for $5.99 a week (high price if you ask me)!

My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"

Yo mama so fat, when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight, not your phone number.”

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Are you wearing a diaper? Because your butt looks so saggy.

When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.