You're jokes

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.

Girlfriend: Am I pretty or ugly?

Boyfriend: You're both!

Girlfriend: What do you mean by that?

Boyfriend: You're pretty ugly!!!

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!

Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

Dad: Because she was made there.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they've seen your dog.

If a midget walks up to you and tells you your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."

Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

"I'm not sure why my girlfriend's father doesn't like me."

"What was your first impression on him?"

"I told him, she calls me daddy too."

Your forehead is so big your inner thoughts echo.

You see a kid on the side of the street crying, so you go up to them and say, "Where are your parents?" The kid says, "What are parents?"

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

What do you call a dad in the mirror?

(Your imagination.)

Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.