You jokes

Are you feeling down? Because I wanna feel you up.

You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.

Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?

People joking about 9/11.

Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."

Oh.

"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

You know what orphans and Batman have in common? They'll both never see their parents again.

When you throw your peanut butter sandwich at the nut allergy table: 25+ kill streak!

Do you play Sea of Thieves? See if these balls fit in your mouth, gotteeeem!

You know that the F in orphan may stand for family, but it actually stands for "fuck family."

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

My mom told me to recycle the trash. I guess I’m taking you for another bike ride!

I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

"Go back to Party City, where you belong!" — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race.

What do you call a person with no arms and legs?

You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.

How do you make an orphan clap until his hands bleed?

Tell him to clap until his parents come home.