You jokes

— Can I borrow a book [on] how to kill myself?

— Librarian: No, because you won’t bring it back.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"

What do you call a flying pig?

Fiction.

You die. LOL!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef! Hahahahahaha!

Orange you glad you are not a comedian?

Why would you not let an elephant sleep in the same bed with you?

Because they stink and now the room smells like elephant shit.

There are 2 dads and 2 sons. They all caught a fish.

Why did they only come home with 3 fish?

(Answer)

There were a grand-dad, dad, and son.

If you don't get it, then it means grand father is the dad to the dad (1 dad). Dad is the dad for the son and a son for the grandfather. Get it?

What do you call a crazy-in-every-way sister?

A sissy.

You’re so short, you must need a ladder to reach your advice and dreams.

My friend has a shovel made of gold. I guess you could call him a gold digger.

Your computer just went in my bathroom and took a shit because you put too much chili in the bowl.

If you are a big fan of me, go to the movie and I kill the bad guys. If you don't, I will be mad and I will be sonic.exe lol.

What did you call a school that got blown up?

What do you say to your pet when you're super tired, slow, and worn out?

"I'm totally dogging it today..."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana again?

What would you name a detective if he didn't already have a name?

Cassie.

Get it?

What did the window say to the door?

"What are you squeaking about? I'm the one with the panes!"

Get it?

What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?

"If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"

Get it?

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"