You jokes
Hispanic and Latino people be like, "No more immigrants!" Like, dude, aren't you an immigrant?
What do you call a person with no arms and legs?
You can call him whatever you want; he's not coming.
People joking about 9/11.
Random kid: "You shouldn’t joke about that! I lost my dad on 9/11."
Oh.
"Yeah, he was the greatest pilot ever!"
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
How do you make an orphan clap until his hands bleed?
Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
What kind of tree can you High-Five?
A palm tree.
You're so fat that when you went sunbathing at the beach, Greenpeace came along and pushed you back in the ocean.
If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?
I burned an orphan's hand and then they said, "You will pay for this."
Me: "What are you going to do? Tell your parents?"
You will never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.
If you feel a lump in your rice, you fucked up.
If you feel a lump in your skin, you have cancer.
Have you ever walked past Stephen Hawking's house?
No, well neither has he.
What time is it when you have a toothache?
2:30 (Tooth hurty).
That awkward moment when you thought the guy was a pretty good magician, and only then realize he simply suffers from leprosy.
Are you adopted?
No.
I mean, who would want you?
Me: I saw an emo kid that got a haircut today. But instead of saying “Like ya cut g” and slapping the neck, I slapped the wrist and said “Like ya cut’s g.”
Emo kid: He said like your bullet holes, G.
Me: I have no bullet holes.
Emo kid: Not yet, you don't.
Me: Ayo what the fuc*.
Welcome to Joe's pizza, you make 'em, we bake 'em.
Imagine losing your child in WW2 and your son fucking respawns, so you tell him off for not getting enough kills.
Orphan: I love abcdefu!
Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.