You jokes

What do you call a cow with three legs?

My ex.

Where do you get milk from? The Milky Way, of course!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.

When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."

His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"

Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"

10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"

What did the roti say to pratha?

You white like a white bastard.

Q: What do you call America in a year? A: A wasteland.

There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.

Now that's a hell of a ghost story!

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys. Thank you, Jesus, for creating baptism.

What do you call the Christian version of Donald Trump? Holy shit!

You're so ugly you make gay/lesbian people straight!

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

Your dog's gone.

Your finances are done.

And your floaties.

In Soviet Russia,

You love Chinese and hate Chinese.

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Friend: You look like a baboon.

Me: Stop talking, you look like a gorilla, so I might call animal control on you and I'll be seeing you at the zoo!

You hear about the Roman numeral hospital?

All they have is IVs!

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

Good food, but no atmosphere.

Did you hear how Stephen Hawking died?

There was a mix up, and he was dropped at PC World instead of A&E!

What do you get when you stuff some cows into a food container?

A can o' bull.