You jokes

What did the cell phone say to his wife?

"I will give you a ring."

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

What do you call Nicki Minaj covered in glue?

Sticky Minaj.

If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.

How do you make a plumber die?

You kill his family.

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."

Have you ever walked into Stephen Hawking's house?

Yeah, neither has he!

Did you hear about the blonde that worked at the Dollar Store?

She called for a price check.

I bet you go grocery shopping at the Twinkie Factory.

I was gonna tell you a joke about my abusive dad...

But I only remember the punch line👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊👊

You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.

What do you call a dick playing badminton?

A shuttlecock.

Never eat more than you can lift.

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

What's wrong with 89?

You blow me and I owe you one.

Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?

That's okay. There is really no point to it.