You jokes

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile.

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

Why is pounding your mom like playing video games?

Because once you start, you just can’t stop until you win!

What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

Did you know Disney is making a movie for suicidal people?

They're calling it Finding Emo.

Your gene pool is so shallow, you could break your neck diving in.

Q: How do you stop babies from being conceived through incest?

A: Cum on your cousin's face.

Man, this walk is really good. Oh wait, you can't.

What do you call a cow with horns? A horny cow.

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

How do you know you’re at a gay cookout? They’re putting your sausage between two buns.

What do you call a blonde girl standing on her hands?

A brunette with bad breath.

If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"

Say what you want about Jeffery Dahmer, but he always managed to get a head.