You jokes

Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.

Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.

My girl asked me if I had seen a gorilla anywhere. I told her yes, I did see one a minute ago at the Central Park Zoo. He said if you don't behave, he will take you back to the jungle and have your ass abandoned for good.

What would you name your pet rabbit?

Harry.

If someone has a gun and tries to shoot you, just say, “Hipity hoppity, that gun is my property.”

If you unironically think someone who killed themselves should have their body in jail, you are honestly such a fucking embarrassment to humanity.

What do you call an orphanage that's not an orphanage?

A homeless shelter.

What did the cell phone say to his wife?

"I will give you a ring."

How do you make a plumber die?

You kill his family.

You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.

(Wait, forgot about the 3rd third thing.) I have said this countless times, but it doesn't seem to be getting through to you: quit hating on particular jokes. You don't like it? Nobody cares. Don't go into the morbid jokes category, you idiots, ffs!

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."

What do you get when you cross the terms homeless and abandoned?

POORphan

If your wife dies of childbirth, can you press charges on the baby?

What do you call a nut in jail?

A busted nut.

You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.

What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

Have you heard about the blind man who saw the accident and the dead man who heard it?

Why is there no open hunting season on hippies?

Have you ever tried to clean one?