You jokes

What time is it when you say "bad day?"

What did the beat say to the rapper?

"You're off rhythm, but I'll give you a hand!"

You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????

I remember my grandad's last words: "Are you still holding the ladder?"

What do you call 2 Indians on a dating website? Connect the dots.

Q: What do you call a cranky cow?

A: Moooooooody.

Why you gay, bruh? I know why I'm gay. I got the wolf pack protectors spirit in me, YA BOIIIII!

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."

What do you call a baby on the battlefield?

Free shield!

I'll never forget my mother's last words: "What are you doing with that sledgehammer?"

Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.

You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.

Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.

If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.

What job do you want if you don't want people's twos since?

A Catholic priest.

What do you call a fish with no eye?

A ffsshh.

Do you know Putin?

Put in these balls in your mouth.

So you wanna play like that, ayy? Well, Sydney didn't wanna play like that either, and that's why you got arrested.

Call me fat? You call me fat because you think that you’re pretty, but you ain’t. You’re just a musty, dusty, rusty Cardi B.

What do you call the day before Christmas Eve? Christmas Adam.