You jokes
Fruit is like life. You slowly eat it away as it slowly also begins to rot like everyone I’ve known.
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
How do you fit 53 babies into a box?
First get a blender...
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
What does a gun and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Have you heard the 9/11 joke yet?... It was pretty fire.
Chef: “How did you enjoy your steak, sir?”
Customer: “I asked for it medium rare, but it’s well done!”
Chef: “Why thank you.”
Customer: “You don’t understand, the steak is well done!”
Chef: “Of course it is, I made it.”
(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?
Q: What do you call a blonde with only two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
What do you call a terrorist on a wheelchair?
C4.
You know what I said to the chair? "Sit!" But it didn't move. Hahaha!
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Seeing so many balding college students is so sad. Like, why the fuck is your hairline graduating before you?!?
Two friends fighting.
Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"
Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
Did you know China wanted to send a dog to space?
They didn't because they ate it.
How do you know if your sister's on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny.
What's worse than fingering your sister?
Finding your dad's wedding ring inside her.
Did you hear that song about 9/11? It was a real banger!