You jokes

Do you know that “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing?

Except at a funeral.

Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”

No? Shame, it was real fun.

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

If you don’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then you're an idiot.

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Police officers hope you’re a criminal.

Doctors hope you get sick.

Mechanics hope you get car troubles.

But only thieves wish you prosperity.

Weird?

How do you make the grass cut itself?

Make it depressed.

I'd tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

What does the SpongeBob intro and a pedophile have in common?

"Are you ready kids?"

How do you stop a baby from crying?

You drown it.

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket!

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

Do you know why dinosaurs can't eat hyenas?

Because they're dead! The last thing they ate was some rock.