You jokes
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
Q: What do you call a blonde with only two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
A man went hunting with his son and shot an animal.
The father asks the son to identify the animal he just shot, and the son answers: "Holy Cow!"
Father: "What do you mean, 'Holy Cow?'"
Son: "You shot a hole in the cow, of course!"
I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.
Are you Spanish, because I will say "Hola."
Do you go to a biblioteca? Also, in Spanish, you will never guess the word "biblioteca." Find it, I dare you.
Memes
Your mom is so fat, that burger.
What do you call it when you sell Panera Bread in your shed?
Panera Shed.
Your forehead is so big that when you put glasses on top of your head, it falls off.
What do you call a gang of emo kids?
What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
When you're lonely, watch a scary movie. You won’t feel lonely anymore!
What do you call a dumpster with an antenna on it? Radio Morocco.
What do you call a Spanish toilet?
Elton John.
Me: "The villain has a point, you know."
Everyone else watching the WW2 documentary:
Bobby had 54 dicks (54).
He took 33 pills a month (5433).
Once he ran out of pills, he was left with 45 dicks (543345).
(Flip the calculator once you got the full number. 543345! He's got a lot!
You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?
You know what I said to the chair? "Sit!" But it didn't move. Hahaha!
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Seeing so many balding college students is so sad. Like, why the fuck is your hairline graduating before you?!?