You jokes
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
Police: Where do you live? Child: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live? Child: With me.
Police: Where do you all live? Child: Together.
Police: Where is your house? Child: Next to my neighbor's house.
Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Child: If I tell you, would you believe me?
Police: Yes. Now tell me. Child: Next to my house.
Police: ... Child: 😊
Police: *Proceeds to beat the life out of the child*
What do you get if you eat sugar?
High.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Break his pipes...
Evan, me and your mom are done with you.
What do you call a pool full of handicapped people?
Vegetable soup.
What do you think fish tasted like before women started swimming?
Gwen-Kind-Positive-Lends a Helping Hand- Stops Bullies- Does Most Helpful Work.
Addison Banks- Positive Voicing-Stops Hurtful Words.
ALYA-Powerful in Thought- Helps- But Sadly Is Gone.
Prince-Always Backed Up Gwen- But Sadly Is Gone Too.
Watersharky-Helps When Needed-Backs Up Anyone- Curses When Needed- Helps People Through Depression.
These Are The Legends, There Are More Out There You Could Be One Too Just Lend a Helping Hand.
This Native American won't stop talking bad about me, so I said, "Please stop acting like you first discovered this land belonged to your ancestors!"
You know my first name, but don’t worry about it; you’ll only be screaming my first.
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
One day a woman met with a man behind an abandoned shop.
The man asked for some crack.
The woman turned around and said, "Here."
That's where the crack was, you guessed it.
The next day, she wiped it clean, ready for the next guest who "wanted crack."
Patient: "I'm starting to forget things."
Doctor: "Since when have you had this condition?"
Patient: "What condition?"
Welcome to Dave's Orphanage. "You make it, we take it."
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do you call a wheelchair on fire?
Hot wheels.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What do you cross with a cow and a tiger? (mooigter)
One day, I'm going to Malta to a big hotel. In the morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tell the waitress I want two pieces of toast. She brings me only one piece. I tell her I want a piece. She says, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You don't understand. I want a piece on my plate." She says, "You better not piss on your plate, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!!
Later, I go to eat at the big restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife, but no fork. I tell her I wanted a fork. She tells me everyone wanna fuck. I say, "You don't understand, I want a fork on my table." She says, "You better not fuck on the table, you son of a bitch." I don't even know the lady, and she calls me a son of a bitch.
I don't need this shit!
So, I go back to my room in a hotel, and there are no sheets on the bed. I call the manager and tell him I want a sheet. He tells me, go to the toilet. I say, "You don't understand, I want a sheet on my bed." He says, "You better not shit on my bed, you son of a bitch."
I go to the checkout, and the man at the desk says, 'Peace on you.' I say, 'Piss on you too, you son of a bitch. I'm going back to Italia. Arrivederci!'
I don't need this shit!
Moral of the story, don't go to Australia with a Korean accent.
I had a friend who got shot in the head.
Guess you could say he was...
Blown Away!