You jokes
What do you call an Asian in a wheelchair? Sum Ting Wong.
What kind of mask are you wearing?
An Elon Musk!
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
What do you call a bunch of white people on a bench?
The NBA.
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?
There is sperm on the screen.
Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?
The Apple repair store.
You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
I asked my dad, "Why did you paint rabbits on your bald head?"
He replied, "Because I thought it would look like hares."
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
Did you ever walk into Steve Hawking's house?
"No."
He hasn't too.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a plane with no wings?
Sally.
What do you call a vagina with multiple clits?
A tongue workout!
Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?
A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.