You jokes
What is written on the gravestone of a TV reporter?
"You must be back at 8:00 p.m."
If you hit an orphan on the arm, what will he do? Tell his parents?
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What makes you think feminists can change anything?
Did you hear about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself.
I'm 50% human, so that 50% stupid is 100% you.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.
Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?
When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
What do you call an orphan's family tree?
A stump.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Stick a mirror at the bottom of a pool.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
One day I was at school, and this girl had the nerve. She told me to go to the back of the line. I was looking behind me, and she said, "What are you looking for?" I said, "To who [are] you talking to, boo boo?" Like, is you you my momma?
I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
What do you call a group of depressed teenagers?
Suicide Squad.
What do you call a dick that's too small to see?
Tick-tack dick.
What do you call an orphan taking a picture with it's family?
A self-fie.
You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.