You jokes
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
Your parents are so proud of you. They LOVE you! <3
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone that knows you.
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
Memes
What do you call a premature Chinese baby birth? Wong Tai-Ming.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when The Oh Hellos saw you they said "Shoo!"
Yo hairline so far back that you need a magnifying glass to see it.
I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two-faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.
Toast is like parents.
If they are both black, you have nothing to eat.
Man: Doctor, where are you taking me?
Doctor: To the morgue.
Man: But I’m not dead yet.
Doctor: Are we there yet?
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
How do you get a party started in Africa?
You put a slice of bread on the ceiling and everyone will be jumping.
Did you hear about that Muslim party?
It was a blast!
What do you call the inside of the ISS toilet?
Cosmic Brownies.
Violets are red, so is your face. I thought I was ugly, but then I saw you.
I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.
What do you call a Lesbian at a Barbecue? A LGBBQ.
You need a good place to think? You can sit on my lap, and we’ll see the first thing that pops up!