You jokes

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

What do you get if you talk to a Down syndrome person face to face at close distance?

Soaked...

What happens when you mess with a farmer? You get the whole ranch.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?

What do you call a retarded fruit?

Mentally in-pear-ed.

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

What do you call a plane with no wings?

Sally.

Did you ever walk into Steve Hawking's house?

"No."

He hasn't too.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What do you call a bulldog and a shih tzu? A bullshit.

What do you call a little boy with no arms and no legs?

Names.

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Like if you know an orphan.

What do you call six gay men at war? Rainbow Six Siege.

I was boiling some water and said, "Water, you will be mist!"

What is the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tuna a piano, but you cannot piano a tuna.

(The person you ask should say what about the glue.) Response: I knew you would get stuck there.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter; he's not coming.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?

De-calf!