You jokes

Going to church, you don't think you are Christian.

Sleeping with ten men, you don't think you are straight.

When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.

Do you have a halo, cause I can give you one.

What do you say to a 1 legged hitch hiker?

Hop in!

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “You’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup!”

Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.

Why don't you act like an amoeba and split?

Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?

A: Because they're retired!

How do you know if a chick is too fat?

If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.

Are you made of Gallium and Yttrium?

Because you are looking a little bit GaY.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?

The school shooter will always spare you.

What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?

A very pissed duck.

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

Would you rather get a massage from a man or get major surgery from a woman?

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."