You jokes
When you go to Incestry.com instead of Ancestry.com.
My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:
I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck 'em.
Why do you stink?
Because you haven't showered, tu, perro.
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
You have been visited by Leonard the all knowing. He shall decide your fate…
Me: When I saw an orphan on the street in rags.
Also me: Are you okay?
Orphan: Yeah, what gave it away?
Me: Because you have no family.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
What do you call a white girl with a yeast infection? A cracker with cheese.
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
A random guy yelled at me, "Hey, slut!"
I walked towards him.
"I prefer slit," I said.
"Why?" He asked.
"You see these wrists?" I spat at him.
Once upon a time, Bob was in his hospital bed receiving medical treatment soon after finding out he had cancer. One day, his friend Jeremy decided to visit Bob and told him this very inspiring sentence: "Sometimes in life, you and your heart will climb peaking mountains, and cross low valleys."
Little did Bob know that Jeremy was talking about his heart monitor.
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
If you give this a thumbs down, you're gay. If you give it a thumbs up, you're straight.
Um, please do not swear, there is no need. Could you maybe just find clean jokes?
The moment when you tell an illegal immigrant to go home and he walks to the jail cell and closes it.
What did one statue say to another statue? "Hey! Is that you?"
What do you call a deaf child?
-Ryan Simmonite-
Did you know toilets, while you're at work, eat your toilet paper?
Why do you Scotchmen wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.