You jokes
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
“Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?”
“No.”
“Neither have they.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
Memes
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-A-Likes.
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A saltshaker.
How do you know someone has Down syndrome?
They're doing better than you.
Roses are red... Violets are blue... I feel like I'm gonna get raped next to you.
What do you call a stripper in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels.
My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.
Are you the voices I've been hearing?
Because I can't seem to get you out of my head. (Schizophrenic RIZZ)
What do you get when you cross breed a bear with a retarded person?
A feminist (a hairy and brainless beast).
Mom: Can I tell you a joke?
Kid: Sure.
Mom: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Mom: Not yo.
Kid: Not yo who?
Mom: Not yo father.
Kid: Not yo husband either.
Have you heard of Imagine Dragons (the band)? Imagine dragging these nuts across your face.
What did the Roman say to the gladiator?
See you later, gladiator.
I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!