You jokes
Like if you meet someone emo.
Like if you wanna have sex.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
I work with animals!
What do you do?
I’m a butcher.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
Do you have a shovel in your back pocket?
Why?
'Cause I’m digging that ass.
Person 1: Did you hear the joke bout 9/11?
Person 2: No, but it'll probably crash and burn.
What do you call a man with a curly toe?
Carlito.
“Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?”
“No.”
“Neither have they.”
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
What did the Roman say to the gladiator?
See you later, gladiator.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Have you heard of Imagine Dragons (the band)? Imagine dragging these nuts across your face.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
I was working for Space X. I was instructed to control a satellite's orbit rotation when suddenly the screen went black. I investigated and found out one of Penaldos penalty had hit and destroyed the satellite. Shame on you Penaldo for ruining my dream job!
Two simple steps to get 15,000 people to follow you:
Step 1: Buy a bottle of water (doesn't matter the size).
Step 2: Run through Africa with that bottle of water.
Perfect! Now you got yourself half the population there following you!
Mom: Can I tell you a joke?
Kid: Sure.
Mom: Knock knock.
Kid: Who's there?
Mom: Not yo.
Kid: Not yo who?
Mom: Not yo father.
Kid: Not yo husband either.
What do you call a stripper in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels.