You jokes
How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope.
You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.
Are you my fish? Because you're supposed to be dead.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!"
The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don’t follow you..."
What do you call a pig who does karate?
Pork chop!
Did you know Hellen Keller had a doll house in her backyard? Neither did she.
Did you hear the gossip about butter? Never mind, I butter not spread it...
You look good now, but you’d look better hanging from my ceiling. ;)
What do you call a person on fire in a wheelchair?
Hot wheels!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the fresh prints.
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
My mom: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?
Me: No.
Attack on Titan music starts playing in my head.
Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girl?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get it.
Why do horny, deaf girls wear tight pants?
So you can read her lips.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on the bench?
The NBA.
What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you call a friend in space?
Space friend.
What do you call a toy that has a story?
Toy Story.
Me to bully: You are so fat that when the satellite took the picture, you were considered as an island.
Bully: (Speechless)