You jokes
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.
What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?
A party popper.
Doctor: You need new glasses.
Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
Memes
A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...
You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you cannot helium, you have to curium. If you cannot curium, you have to barium!
Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."
Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.
What do you call a 100-year-old frog?
An old croak!
What do you call a clever clock?
Clockwise.
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?
What do you call a ghost bee?
Boobees.