You jokes

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.

So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.

What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.

You know what flowers and depressed people have in common?

Both end up getting cut.

You know Bofa? Bofa deez nuts.

My girlfriend is like treasure to me.

You need a shovel to find her.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.

Are you electricity? 'Cause I wanna get a bath with you ;)

Sketchy dude: If you push this button you get 100 million dollars but 100 million people would die.

Me: If I push it more than once do I get more money?

Sketchy dude: Yes, but more people die.

Me: *rapidly pushes button* This is how you solve world hunger.

Sketchy dude: ... wtf, you're insane.

Me: ...

Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."

What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?

Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do you call it if your mom is a guy and your dad is a woman?

Transparent.

What do you call an orphan when there 18?

Homeless.

What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A "glad-he-ate-her".

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of salad?

A chicken sees a salad (chicken Caesar salad).