You jokes
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You follow the Fresh prints.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?
She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.
How do you start a rave?
Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.
Like if you have a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband, or wife, or a crush.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."
What do you call a gay threesome?
A Sloppy Joe.
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap until their parents come home.
Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?
What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What do you call an idiotic cow?
A mis-steak!
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?
Boi Ling.
How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
A straw.
What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.