You jokes

Teacher: Where's your homework?

Student: At home...

Teacher: What's it doing there?

Student: Having a better time than me.

Get up, you lazybones!

How do you stop a baby from drowning?

-Lift up your foot.

What is the worst thing you can find out about a woman on a first date?

She claims to have been raped. Then, you know to get as far away from her as possible because she's probably a feminazi bitch.

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.

The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.

The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."

What do you call a gay threesome?

A Sloppy Joe.

What do you call terrible milk?

Udder Bullshit.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?

You tell them to clap until their parents come home.

Why go across the street when you can just go down the hall, lol?

What do you call an idiotic cow?

A mis-steak!

What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."

What do you call a Chinese man in the heat?

Boi Ling.

What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly mammoth.

Q: What do you call it when four Mexicans drown in quicksand?

A: Cuatro Cinco.

I am about to make a joke about cake. You butter believe it.

How do you get 500 babies in a phone booth?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

A straw.

So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's cock tastes of blood.