You Jokes

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad's cock tastes of blood.

What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?

The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.

What do you call a gay threesome?

A Sloppy Joe.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

what's the difference between an onion and a baby?

nobody cries when you cut up the baby.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on Mars? Mars Rover.

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

What do you call an idiotic cow?

A mis-steak!

What do you call a Mexican that hung him self? a pinata

How do you get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Weather is like sex. Once in a while you need to get wet.

How do you start a rave?

Throw a flashbang into the epileptic ward of a hospital.

Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, 200 years before you were born. How did he do that?

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu? Pikachu, I choose you!