You jokes
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
Parents: "OH! Honey, we were just wrestling!"
Little Johnny: "OK! I'll join you!"
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.
Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.
If I'm ugly, why do you always look at me when I come in the door?
Memes
Billy: *spits out food*
Mom: BILLY! We swallow what we have in our mouths.
Dad: *looks at mom*
Mom: Shut up.
If you get it, you get it.
There is a thin line between death and life!
You won't live to see it.....
The Cardiogram will!!
I asked a Japanese chef how to make a good bowl of ramen, he said "Let me show you."
Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.
The thing I don't like about shopping centers...
When you see one, you've seen a mall.
When people make accounts about you and a category.
Did you hear about the deaf man who got a ticket?
It's OK, he didn't either!
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat, you get fat.
What? Were you expecting a pi joke?
The teacher asked, "Why are you in school on a Saturday?"
I told her my mum told me to go to hell.
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
What do you call terrible milk?
Udder Bullshit.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn't see that one coming, don't feel bad, they didn't either.
I was 11 or 12 at the time.
Guy (passing me): "How are you doing?" Me, an autist: "Pretty bad honestly." Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...
If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.