You jokes

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

...Full!

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.

What do you call a depressed a cappella group?

Self-Harmony.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

You know if you go to Wal-Mart, and go to the milk section, you might just find your dads.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

How do you name a disabled Asian?

Throw the wheelchair down the stairs.

I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Super Power Beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.

Splat.

The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?

Eileen.

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

What's the hardest part of riding a scooter?

Telling your parents you are gay.

You'll end up DEAD if you don't stop COFFIN!!!

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

Q: What’s the difference between me and you?

A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.

Francis Pope, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and a little boy were on a falling airplane. There were 3 parachutes. Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps off the plane saying, “The world needs my leadership!” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world,” so he jumps off the plane. At this point, the Pope and the little boy are on the plane. The Pope says to the boy, “take the last parachute, I am too old and I’m going to die soon one day.” The little boy says, “actually there are two, you see, Donald Trump took my backpack.”

At baseball practice...

"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"

"No, but I got two right here."