You jokes

How do you execute a retard?

The Electric Wheelchair.

Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.

I am so nervous.

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.

The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

When the teacher calls on you and asks you how many people did Hitler kill?

"One, he killed himself."

What shoes do pedophiles wear? White vans.

How do pedophiles fit in? They force it to go in.

How do you make a 16 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A pedophile comes in.

What did Santa say when he was passing over some hookers? "Ho ho ho!"

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

You nail its other hand to the ground.

What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.

What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

Reload and keep shooting.

"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you have frog's legs?"

"Why, yes."

"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"

What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?

Chocolate drops.

A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.

"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."

What do you call a whore with a runny nose?

...Full!

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

Why can't you kill a depressed person?

Because they are already dead inside.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.