You jokes
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the ground.
What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.
"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you have frog's legs?"
"Why, yes."
"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"
What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?
Chocolate drops.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
Why can't you kill a depressed person?
Because they are already dead inside.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make noise when you throw them.
What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
...Full!
What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?
Reload and keep shooting.
What do you call a cow that was hit by an anvil? A flat iron steak.
Me: Your ugly...
Person: I'm not your mirror...
Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.
A man is consoling his nine-year-old daughter after she had been sexually assaulted.
"You need to be more careful," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "this time it was me, next time it could be a total stranger."
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
You realize you're in a paradox until you die. You'll see yourself die by murder, suicide, old age, etc.
Then you realize you're dreaming, but you realize that if you die in a dream, you die IRL.
What do you call a man who plays Fortnite 24/7?
A: A virgin.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Super Power Beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.
Splat.
The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison?
An escapea.
What do you call a woman with one arm and one leg?
Eileen.