You jokes

Mommy, mommy! Are we liars?

"Shut up and cross your fingers when you say that."

Dad, I love you.

Son, I love you.

You’re looking pretty rough this evening. You look like if sweatpants were a person.

Did you hear about the car that turned into a wheelchair?

I'll tell you a good joke. Stephen Hawking went for a walk.

What do you call a room with no doors?

How do you get into Hogwarts? Through the Dumble Door.

How do you stop a terrorist from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

So your wife has died, and now she is marginally better in bed than before.

If you really want to get her to wiggle, simply add maggots.

300? You are a 3.0.

Repeat after me...

Me: "You have a weird style."

Mom: "You have a weird style."

Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*

I went to the store because I had to go to school to run up downstairs because my phone started calling me because I was playing Mario Kart on my kitchen sink's baby grandma, like if you cry every time.

Have you met Bofa?

Bofa deez blind kids!

You know, it takes a lot of balls to successfully compete in women’s sports as a man.

What do you call a lion as a baby?

Cocota

Your hairline is so bad people thought you were Vegeta!

I thought you were just raising your eyebrow, but I checked the x-ray, and your skull shifted 128 degrees to the right.

How have you been recently?

Oh, just playing some Rhydon.

What’s Rhydon?

Rhydon deez nutz!

Teacher: "If you're dumb, stand up."

Nobody stands up.

After some waiting, the teacher says, "Really? No one? There must be someone."

Little Johnny stands up.

"Oh, so you think you're dumb, Johnny?"

"Nah, I just feel bad that you're standing alone."

What do you call two emos spending time together?

Hanging out.