You jokes
My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"
I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"
Computers are females because when they're down, you always charge her.
What's the difference between family and cats...
Cats won't abuse you at Christmas.
What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?
“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Have you heard of the work called "ligma balls?"
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?
A LETHAL WEAPON!
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
A grasshopper jumps into a bar.
The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."
Why are you sitting down to pee? I don't have a good back and can't lift something big.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that is not coming back? A: A stick.
Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.
Are you an orphanage?
Why?
Because I wanna put my kids in you.
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
(True story)
One day Sally's mom said, "I can just eat you up!" And Sally says, "No, you can't!" Then the mom asks why and Sally says, "Because I'm a beaner, and we don't taste good."
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
You have more chin than brain cells!