What did Satin say to God??
"Bitch, what the fuck you looking at?"
You Jokes
What's the one thing that you don't have but celebrities do?
Lots of fans.
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? π (Itβs all about how you pronounce the end.)
Roses are red, violets are blue, You missed your lesson today, so you are gay.
Why can't you have a tall dog? You will have pups in a week.
Robin Williams' death was the most horrible impression ever given. (RIP Robin Williams, you will be missed!)
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
You can't call yourself a baby boomer if you have never detonated an infant.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?
When somebody says they're depressed (by over-romanticizing their so-called problems) but can't be by your side when you are at your lowest.
Then you know they're faking depression. π
If you know it, you know it.
What do you call a group of Emos?
Suicide squad.
Did you hear about the Chinese student?
Me neither.
What do you call a gay barbecue?
LGTBBQ.
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
You know how sometimes you want to listen to music?
But everything you listen to is just supremely unsatisfying, even if it's songs you usually love; they are just so unappealing, and you have no idea what you actually want to listen to.
I only have 4 moods:
β’ fuck this β’ fuck that β’ fuck me β’ fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
β’ fuck yeah β’ fuck no β’ fuck my life β’ fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
β’ fuck it
and for those who have just given up
β’ fuck
This is beautiful.
Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some mairawanah.
Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "I know you wanna," but dumb-ass Jill forgot her pills, and now they have 12 kids.
