You jokes

My cousin asked me, "What do you think was going through Hitler's mind right before he died?"

I told him, "Probably a bullet."

What do you do if a woman is choking? Pull out a few inches.

sad sad sad

now you laugh and like

thank you!

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is literally just a scoreboard.

What do you call a black coconut?

A CoonConut.

What do you call it if you find an old organ keyboard on the side of the road?

Organ harvesting.

Say, "Hey, you're pretty." Then she'll say, "OMG, thank you so much," or something cringe. Then you say, "Pretty f***ing ugly, aha, gottie!"

Some of you need to go to church. I don't want you in hell with me.

"Hey, don’t take my toy! What are you going to tell your parents?"

Did you know Helen Keller had a sister?

Neither did she.

Kid: Mom! You lied to me!

Mom: When?

Kid: You told me that my little brother was an Angel!

Mom: Sooo?

Kid: Then why didn’t he fly when I threw him off the balcony?

Mom: WHAT!!!??!!

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office account, I'll make you pay. You have my word!

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

What would you do after seeing your most loved one shot? Reload.

Exercise?

I thought you said "extra fries!"

-A minion (you may now laugh).

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

Yo mama is so fat that she stepped on the scale and it says, "Hey fat b****, break your fat a** in half so you won't weigh as much!"

Yo mama is so fat that she got on the scale, and it says, "Lose some pounds before you get on the scale, or it will break!"

When they say you live by the sword, you die by the sword, not in Paul Walker's case. He lived by the car, died by a tree. Well, I guess the car was stumped.