You jokes
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
An autistic woman walks into a bar. "A serving of Screaming Banshee, please," she says.
The bartender says, "Ok, you seem to like it, unlike a retired special ed teacher that passed through a few minutes ago."
What do you call Trump with no spray tan on his hair?
Your next door grumpy old neighbor.
The Pope and Donald Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives. Whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.
Do you know how Chinese people roast? They say, "Boy, if you don't get your chi chong head, boy!"
What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.
What do you call a bunch of bi-racial, retarded kids? Mixed vegetables.
I like tacos more than you like tacos.
Who likes more tacos?
Mee! said the taco.
I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.
Q: How do you get 10 babies in a trashcan?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Chips.
Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."
Chuck Norris: "Chuck Norris doesn't fight, he just allows you to lose."
Me: "How come did you lose Return of the Dragon?"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.
What does a French woman say when you ask her what her favorite video game is? "Oui, oui!"
After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"
Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."
Lord: "My dog died?!"
Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."
Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"
Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."
Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"
Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."
Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"
Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"
What do you call a funny cow?
A cowmedian.
The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.
Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?
Actually, I shouldn't spread it.