You jokes

Do you wanna hear the gossip about butter?

Actually, I shouldn't spread it.

If you were on the Titanic and you didn't leave the ship, what would you do? Just let that sink in.

If I busted an egg on your head... The yolk would be on you... hahaha...

If I busted an egg on your head.... the yolk would be on you... ha ha ha!!!

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Knock, knock." "Knock, knock who?" "Can you let me in now?"

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?

"Will you listen now?!??"

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

Is your fridge running?

Why yes, it is!

Then you better go catch it!

So, my dad was drinking, so he was drunk, and I was sad. But can you be my friend, please?

When you steal the weird pet rock, so he pulls out his pet Glock.

How many people do you think are in a graveyard? Hopefully none.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

What do you call it when you get away with masturbating in the shower?

You got off clean.