I was always told as a kid that I have to pick between being a programmer and an English teacher.
They said: you can't be a "pro-grammer nazi."
Why is Uranus so big? Because you discovered it.
What did the fish say to the other fish? you have a big butt! the other fish said, we dont have butts......
My mom is a chemistry teacher.
Mom: You can’t be attracted to something without it being attracted to you back.
Me: Tell that to my FUCKING CRUSH, BITCH!
I'm a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you're an orphan.
Random person: Imma smack you so hard your skin pigment changes!
Me: Who the hell do you think you are? Michael Jackson’s dad?
A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”
You guys have very baaaaaaa-d puns!
"Bippity Bobbity Boo, Boo Radley is coming for you!"
What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?
Chunky Tomato Soup.
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Watched a really cool cartoon about rabbits with downs syndrome yesterday you should try watch it on catch up... Watership Downs
You are so small that you play hockey against the curb!
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbor.
Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?
Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.
Did you hear about the monkeys that share an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
what did the ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing. They just waved
did you sea what I did there?
Why do women like Pac-Man so much?
How else can you get eaten three times for a quarter?
If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.
what do you call a baby in an oven?
my next meal.
Do you guys know why women have small feet? It's because God created them to stand closer to the sink when they wash dishes.
