You jokes
Why do you want me?
Cus u like me...
What do you mean?
You love me.
No.
Look down.
How do you turn your dog into a watchdog?
Get it a Rolex!
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂
How do you know if an Asian has broken into your house?
Your dog is gone. ;)
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What did the kid say to the toilet?
"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"
A child asks his father, "How do you get pink eye?"
Son, I was told it’s from scratching your butt, then rubbing your eyes.
Then the son asks, "How did I get Fungi?" As the father was about to answer, the boy says, "Ohh, so is it from scratching my stinky feet, then rubbing my eye?" ———-Fungeye
What do [you] call Tyler Brown?
A spaz.
I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.
My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite.
Sisters before misters.
I hope you get better.
I love you.
Did you hear about the new doggy condos?
Apparently they are now releasing!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?"
The bartender says, "No bread here."
And then the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender says, "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?!"
And the bartender says, "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail."
So the duck says, "Got any nails?"
And then the bartender looks surprised, and says, "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?"
And the duck says, "Got any bread?"
And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.
Did you hear about the dyslexic wanna-be bank robber? He walked in and yelled, "HANDS UP, THIS IS A MOTHER STICKING F##K UP!" The lucky idiot got away because nobody could stop laughing!
What do you call a deaf animal?
Anything, it can't hear you.
You just made a Mist-ake.
Have you ever walked through Stephen Hawking's house? No?
Well..... neither has he.
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.
Worst joke ever.