Year Jokes

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

What’s big, pink, long and makes my 12 year old girlfriend cry when I put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

Your forehead is so clear, like the Liberty Bell manual in 1876.

What country has been the hottest in recent years?

Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!

Why did the 18-year-old girl need a ladder to go to school?

Because it was High School.

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?

Because it was over 18 years old.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

Bin Laden was the hide and seek champion for 10 years, 2001-2011.

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.