Year jokes

Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

Friend: What kind?

Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

Friend: That's not funny..

Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

Friend: I'm calling your mom.

Me: She knows.

Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

Me: She's supposed to help?

Friend: Have you told your dad?

Me: I will when he comes back.

Friend: Where is he?

Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

Friend: ....

Me: What?

Friend: Why?

Me: Why what?

Friend: Why would you joke like that?

Me: I was joking..

Friend: I know.

Me: Oh. I didn't know.

Friend:...

Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?

Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)

One of my students asks, "Can I have a bookmark?"

A year of school and they still don't know my name is Danny.

Why did the 18-year-old girl need a ladder to go to school?

Because it was High School.

Girl, you must be a Muslim because you are only 5 years old, yet you know how to give great head.

I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

I met an amazing girl online. Smart, sexy... uninhibited.

Of course it turned out to be a 12 year old paraplegic boy... I have to admit... The sex was disappointing.

What country has been the hottest in recent years?

Sri Lanka, they had 3 bombs in a day!

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

I must have at least 87 years of bad luck; every time I look in the mirror, it breaks!

Your forehead is so clear, like the Liberty Bell manual in 1876.

What did the teacher say to the fat Turkish kid that always ate in his class?

"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year, couldn't you?"

Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.

With their brother.

Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?

Because it was over 18 years old.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?

They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”

Bin Laden was the hide and seek champion for 10 years, 2001-2011.

Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?

Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.