Writing jokes

What do you call a Panera Bread you write with?

Panera lead.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You’re not going to have time to finish this," the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I don’t," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again. "No, and I don’t care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, it's not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Your mama is so old, she made a book bigger than the Bible about her life.

My favorite book is "Brown Spots on the Ceiling" by Ho Fung Poo.

It's just been discovered that as well as writing a book, Adolf Hitler also wrote one of the first computer games, "Mein Kraft."

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tear-able.

What do you call a piece of paper? A piece of paper.

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

This joke is so bad I don't even know what I wrote at this point.

What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.

Why did no one turn up to John's funeral?

Because Sally wrote the invitations!

Did you hear about the bad joke? No? It hasn't been made up yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

Why does the orphan can’t write a single word or sentence?

Because the orphan is dumber.

Today there was a line to punch me.

Yeah, that was the punch line.

My three favorite things are eating my family, and not using commas.

The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”

“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.