What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the astronaut return to Earth?
She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
Someone who was working in the tower must've put their phone on plane mode.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
After work, I volunteer to help blind children. Verb, not adjective.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
How do you make a plumber sad?
Kill his family.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.
