Work jokes

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?

Because they always come out clean.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

Why didn't Sally get home from work?

She got hit by a bus.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.