Work jokes
I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?
Because they always come out clean.
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it's a family company...
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Memes
Mom just bought me this new awesome game!
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.
A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.
I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
Why did the astronaut return to Earth?
She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋
What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.
Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.
Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.
Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.
Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.
My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.
So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."
How do you make a plumber sad?
Kill his family.
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson