Work jokes

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?

Because they always come out clean.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Because it's a family company...

What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?

Free dog food.

So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

So we were working with a new client at work, and my boss farts. He said, "A little gas never killed anyone."

A scarecrow got promoted because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the astronaut return to Earth?

She went on her launch break! 🚀🥪😋

What's the difference between my dad and the milk man? The milk man comes back with the goddamn milk.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.

Place a man in a morgue, he'll try to leave.

Place a doctor in a morgue, he'll go to work.

Place a necrophiliac in a morgue, he'll stay happy for a week.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

Why didn't Sally get home from work?

She got hit by a bus.

Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.