The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He’s a suicide bomber.
[God creating sharks]
God: Ok give them 3 rows of teeth.
Angel: Seems excessive but ok.
God: And make them mean as hell.
Angel: WTF y.
God: BECAUSSE I SAID SO.
Angel:...
God: And make one of the types have a hammer for a head.
Angel: Why do I still work for you?
God: Because I’m the only employer as of right now.
A man boards a plane with six children of various ages.
After the plane takes off, a woman sitting behind the man asks him, “Are all of them yours?”
“No,” the man responds. “I work for a condom company and these are some of the customer complaints.”
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
I work at a tire shop.
I'm pretty tired.
You heard a conversation between Sans and Papyrus:
Sans: "Sub bro."
Papyrus: "DON'T 'SUB' ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN'T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZLES!"
Sans: "Easy bro, I have done a ton of work today."
Sans: "A skele-ton."
(Drum effect)
Papyrus: "OH MY GOD SANS!"
I would make a disabled joke.
But they never work.
Why did the cumulonimbus not show up for work?
Because it was on strike.
Where does a girl with one leg work?
IHOP.
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.
Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"
I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
I have a ton of work to do... A skeleTON
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
I made a bet with my friend that I couldn’t create a working car with spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta! 😂
It was September 10, 2001, when I stayed up watching TV shows.
I woke up late for work at The World Trade Center, but it was burning. I said out loud, "I was late! I'm happy I was late to work! I mean... I could've di-" I was then beaten and bruised by the emergency services.
