Michael Jackson was working on a cover of a popular Elton John song when he died...
His version was to be called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me"...
I have a ton of work to do... A skeleTON
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.
A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
"How was your day?"
"It was great."
"What was so great about it?"
"I saw a puppy."
"Awww."
"And I ran over it :)"