Woman jokes
What's the same with a controller and a woman?
They both work if you hit them.
There are sexiest women in politics.
They should be in a car showroom.
Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.
One day, a snail got robbed by two turtles.
The cops arrived and arrested the woman for killing her cheating husband, and the son was sent to child services. (Moral - no one cares about the frkn snail and turtles!)
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
Gwen pegs Xavier.
What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?
"Kinder Egg surprise."
What's the difference between property and women? At least property still retains some value after getting wrecked.
So one time I had a dream where I was on a road trip and we drove a golf cart and a Susan, which I don’t know why the heck the name of the car was called a Susan.
We went into this house and there was like a woman there and we went into this bathroom which looked like a public bathroom, which was so weird!
Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.
Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
A man once sued smart water for not making him smart. Then a woman replied, “Okay cool, now I’m going to go sue Thin Mints for not making me thin.”
There was a woman from Ealing, she had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back, opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.
I saw a lady in a bikini on the beach, so I walked up to her and said, "LET ME STICK MY DICK UP YOUR BIG ASS!"
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
Life is like a penis. Long, free, flowing, and soft, until a woman comes and makes it hard. 😉
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?
They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.
Helen Keller is so Helen Keller-y that nobody will be as good as Helen Keller.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."
Tony jumps off.
"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."
Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."
Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."
Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"