Woman Jokes

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?

"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."

Josh: What’s the useless piece of skin around the vagina called?

Daniel: Isn’t it the women?

Josh: Oh yes, that’s right.

What does a cannibal call a pregnant women? A combo meal.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

Why?

A man and a woman are lying in bed next to each other. The woman is looking at the man and thinking, "I bet he's thinking about other women." The man is looking up and thinking, "Why is a pizza box a square, the pizza a circle, and the slices are triangles?"

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses it...

How do you get a woman to give head? Force it down her throat and hold the back of her head. Make her gag for a little and then pull out. Do this over and over for 30 seconds or so. If she doesn't open up, choke her and force her mouth open.

Woman aren't human anyways... lol.

I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.

A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"

What’s the difference between women and condoms?

There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.

The brunette brings canteens of water.

The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.

The blonde somehow rips off the car door.

The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"

To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."