What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?
You can’t abuse an alligator.
One day, someone goes out into the forest to go hunting, and finds out there are a few others in the forest. He comes back the next day to learn he is the only person there.
Where are the others?
They're in his freezer.
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
What's black, white, and "read" all over?
A zebra after a lion is full.
A bear walks into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Can I have a grilled . . . cheese?"
The barkeep asks the bear, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Well, I'm a bear."
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
Animal jokes, eh?
Toucan play at that game.
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why do mountains get so big?
They have no natural predators.
Dad: I get to touch animals every day at the zoo.
Kid: Why?
Dad: I clean up animal s*** at the zoo.
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.
Why don't we wrestle bears?
The pain is un-bearable.
Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.
Q: What's the best way to eat a squirrel?
A: Open up its little legs.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why would hunting a bald eagle in America be a bad idea?
Because it's ill-eagle.
In Australia, my jokes are high koala-ty.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.
After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.
The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"
The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
